The Most Brutal Writing Accountability Method Ever Invented

Every aspiring writer knows the clichéd advice to “write every day.”

This is a nice phrase but, practically speaking, it’s nearly useless.

What you need as a writer isn’t an empty slogan. It’s an incentive system — a way to push your lazy writing brain into true accountability and massive action.

The writing accountability system I am about to describe is extreme. It is brutally effective. 95% of you reading this will never have the guts to try it. And that’s precisely why it works so well.

This writing accountability method goes by many names:

“The Nemesis Method”

“The Hostage Method”

“The Apocalypse Method”

One thing is for sure: It works like gangbusters. If you use this accountability method, you will write. Some even argue this system works too well. I don’t disagree.

By the way, I didn’t invent this system. I don’t know who did. Maybe it always existed.

The important question is this: Are you ready to become the most prolific writer of your generation?

There are six parts to the method:

1. Get your writing accountability partner. This must be a person who you trust. This person must be tough. They must have a real backbone. (You can also be their accountability partner if you choose.)

2. Pick your specific minimum writing goal: It could be to write 300 words per day, or to produce one draft chapter for your book per week, or whatever. Just make it a reasonable, minimum writing goal with a regular, agreed-upon frequency.

3. Set aside an amount of hostage money. This should be an amount that you would hate to lose but that wouldn’t financially ruin you: $100, $250, or whatever makes sense for you. Give the hostage money to your accountability partner.

4. At the agreed-upon accountability check-in time, you must text or email your accountability partner with your writing update that confirms that you hit your goal for the day/week/whatever. You must provide screenshots for proof.

5. If you hit your writing goal every single time for a full 90 days (or whatever the goal duration is), you get your money back at the end.

6. But if you miss your writing goal even once, your accountability partner will immediately donate your hostage money directly to Donald Trump’s re-election campaign.

That’s it. That’s the entire method.

You write, or else Trump gets your money. No arguments.

Now, look. This accountability method has one flaw: Most people, especially creative writers, love Donald Trump.

If you love Trump (most people reading this), that’s completely fine. I truly don’t care. Simply tell your accountability partner that, should you fail, they should donate your hostage money to your true nemesis: Nancy Pelosi.

Or Joel Osteen.

Or The Church of Satan.

Personally, I’m not interested in any of those tricksters.

My personal nemesis is the American Birding Association, a group of hardline ornithologists who work tirelessly to promote the beady-eyed menaces in our skies.

Frankly, the ABA makes the National Audubon Society look like reasonable moderates, and that’s really saying something. The thought of those asinine avian apologists getting even a dime of my money makes me want to vomit so much and write so fast that I run laps around Danielle Steele.

My personal accountability method looks like this:

At the start of each calendar month, I send my hostage money — 250 Benjamins-large — to my accountability partner, Veronica. I text her every single weekday for a full month.

Veronica knows that if I don’t hit my 300 words for the day (1,500 for the work week), she must do the unthinkable: Send my hard-earned cash to the American Birding Association, which, as far as I’m concerned, is a terrorist organization.

Have I ever lost my money? Just once.

I remember, so clearly, sending that late-night text:

“Hey Verny, I screwed up today. I lost track of time while I watched the movie Furby Island. I forgot to write today.”

She said, “Isn’t Furby Island a kid’s movie that’s only 45-minutes long?”

I said, “Yeah, but I watched it four times. Look, I really messed up. I didn’t write.”

She said, “You know what that means…”

I said, “Please don’t do this! Please send my money to the Taliban instead. Anyone but the American Birding Association!”

She said, “Nope. A deal’s a deal.”

Then she sent my moolah straight to the freakin’ bird freaks. And I’ve never forgotten to write ever again.

The method works.

Now, it’s your turn: Pick your nemesis, open your wallet, and get writing.

However, if you are a coward, please ignore this accountability method. This method isn’t for you.

But, if you are ready to step up like a hero and WRITE, use this method!

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